In Episode 16 of Navigating Love and Immigration, Attorney
Megan Pastrana disucsses relationship readiness and healthy communication with special
guest, Barry Selby, about the essential concept of relationship readiness and
the art of healthy communication within a partnership. Barry is a relationship
expert that helps women move from heart-broken grief to whole-hearted grace. He
is have over 35 years of training and experience including a master’s degree in
Spiritual Psychology, and his #1 best-selling book – 50 Ways to Love Your Lover
– is a comprehensive how-to guide for couples and singles to achieve rewarding
relationships.
The discussion begins by addressing the widespread
misconception that individuals often believe they need to find someone else to
experience a sense of wholeness. Barry astutely points out that this notion,
which he refers to as the “You complete me” fallacy, is a prevalent
and erroneous idea that has its roots in codependency. He emphasizes the
critical importance of self-improvement and self-exploration before embarking
on a journey toward a healthy relationship. Megan and Barry delve into the
harmful belief that seeking another person to fill a perceived void is the key
to happiness and completion.
Barry shares his personal experiences growing up in an
environment marked by codependency, where he observed his parents engaging in
such dynamics, further reinforcing the misguided concept of love that he would
carry into his own relationships. This pattern of codependency led to emotional
suffocation in his past relationships. The podcast discussion highlights that becoming
relationship-ready involves a profound commitment to self-improvement and
self-reliance, emphasizing that healthy relationships should not be viewed as a
means to personal completeness. Instead, they should be partnerships between
two individuals who have done the necessary internal work, embraced
self-awareness, and cultivated a sense of self-love.
Megan and Barry underscore the significance of self-love and
self-care, both mentally and emotionally, as foundational aspects of
self-improvement. They share their own journeys in overcoming self-criticism
and the harmful habit of internalizing external voices. This conversation
illuminates the fact that many people listen to voices in their heads that
aren’t truly their own, often derived from their upbringing or past
experiences. The power of self-improvement lies in the realization that
everyone has the capability to change these negative thought patterns and
narratives. It is a journey of self-discovery that allows individuals to
reshape their self-perception and create healthier relationships based on love
and respect.
Furthermore, Barry elaborates on some of the key indicators
of relationship readiness. He points out a simple yet profound sign: if an
individual is searching for someone else to rescue or complete them, they are
not yet prepared for a relationship. The conversation highlights the necessity
of cultivating the longest and most crucial relationship one will ever have,
the relationship with oneself. When this self-relationship is nurtured through
self-care, attentive listening to one’s inner voice, and the ability to accept
feedback constructively, individuals become more self-fulfilled and better
equipped to engage in relationships that are free from codependency and
toxicity.
Megan and Barry emphasize the idea that partnerships should
not be about rescuing or completing one another but rather walking side by
side, facing the same direction, and sharing a life’s journey together. They
emphasize that a healthy relationship is about two individuals who maintain
their self-reliance while being intimately connected and supportive of one
another. This dynamic allows for a deeper and more meaningful partnership,
characterized by understanding, trust, and clarity.
The discussion takes an interesting turn towards the idea of
embracing different parts of oneself. Barry introduces the concept of parts
integration, explaining that everyone has various parts within themselves that
influence their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It becomes crucial to
recognize and understand these parts, especially when they contribute to
negative patterns or emotions. This awareness empowers individuals to engage in
constructive internal dialogues, leading to personal growth and positive
change.
The podcast conversation also delves into the significance
of clear communication within relationships. They explore the power of setting
healthy boundaries and the freedom to say “no” when necessary. They
encourage couples to embrace “no” as a loving response, respecting each
other’s individual needs, rather than people-pleasing, which often leads to
sacrifice and resentment. Setting clear boundaries and renegotiating agreements
as circumstances change becomes a vital aspect of healthy partnerships, as it
fosters trust, respect, and open communication.
Ultimately, this podcast episode offers valuable insights
into the journey of relationship readiness, self-improvement, and the power of
healthy communication within partnerships. It encourages listeners to embark on
the path of self-awareness, self-love, and self-reliance, ultimately leading to
healthier, more fulfilling relationships founded on trust and understanding.
Episode Highlights:
- Codependency and Completeness
- Jerry Maguire Moment
- Codependent Relationships
- Side-by-Side Relationships
- Awareness and Self-Love
- The Power of Saying “No”
- Agreements and Trust
Quotes:
1. “You complete me is probably the epitaph
for codependency.”
2. “Nobody’s broken; we all have our own
challenges.”
3. “The longest relationship I’ve ever had was
the one in the mirror.”
4. “Anything that happened to us doesn’t make
us who we are. We have to choose who we are.”
5. “Saying ‘yes’ and resentment, that’s not
healthy either.”
6. “Saying ‘no’ is a healthy, positive
choice.”
7. “We listen to voices in our heads that
aren’t even ours.”
8. “A healthy relationship is about two
individuals who maintain their self-reliance while being intimately
connected.”
9. “Partnerships should be about walking side
by side, facing the same direction, and sharing a life’s journey
together.”
10. “It’s not the arguments themselves, but the
themes and patterns you should become aware of and make a conscious
shift.”
Links:
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